Peloton’s research team has not put countless hours of work into this gold guide, but we do hope you find these “Dos and Don’ts” useful.

Don’t sell your jewelry, time pieces, or Krugerrands to the shops in strip malls who hire grown men to advertise for them by dancing near the street in front of their stores. Your business will only encourage bad behavior – it’s like feeding the bears in Yellowstone.

Do recognize that the fair value for one ounce of gold is exactly what the last buyer paid for it. Financial assets like stocks and bonds have value because they lay claims to future cash flows. Gold has no intrinsic value; it cannot be consumed and has very little industrial use. We suppose it could act as a doorstop or paperweight but that doesn’t quite justify the price. It is pure speculation.

Don’t ever – ever – wear a gold lamé suit, unless you can pull it off like The King did:

Do buy gold speaker cable plugs if you’re planning to recreate your 1970’s Hi Fi system.

Don’t buy gold ingots or bars if you’re worried about the apocalypse. If the dollar becomes worthless because the world begins its demise, you’ll need small amounts, like in the form of coins. Bakeries and gas stations may not be able to make change for your $12,500 ten-ounce bar. (Note: Peloton research is not forecasting the end of the world). Even a one-ounce Canadian Maple Leaf coin is worth $1,250. It’s just not practical as currency. See also “bitcoin.”

Do recognize that the guy at work who made “a ton of money” on gold probably also made other investments, about which you’ll never hear.

Don’t miss the opportunity to watch the classic James Bond movie, Goldfinger.

Do buy gold jewelry if someone on your holiday shopping list loves it. Frankly, that’s its best use.